The LA Hustle

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"A pensive man with a portable cattle gun" by Snappy Brown, 2011

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The LA Hustle has discovered that even psychopathic killers require a quiet moment from time to time. On a recent quest to recover a stolen suitcase full of money, Anton Chigurh was shocked when his usual bag of tricks had no effect on a man behind the counter of a convenience store in Cooter Mississippi.

“He asked me, ‘what’s the most I’d ever lost on a coin toss?” says Jimmy Joe Johnson, owner of The Chug and Tug market. “So I put the 12 on him and replied, ‘what’s the most you ever lost from taken both barrels at point blank ya goddamn hippy!’ Then he just paid for his beer and walked out lookin all defeated with some kinda oxygen tank that had a hose running down his sleeve…”

Fortunately The LA Hustle’s third best photographer, “Snappy Brown”, was on the job and able to grab a quick picture of the frustrated sociopath as he nursed a Heineken and reflected on his short comings.

"A mother and son" by Noah Jon Blakey, 2011

In a stunning discovery on Saturday, The LA Hustle learned that a woman from Mississippi actually stopped talking momentarily when she realized that there was nothing else to say!

“She just quit…” says Kenneth Tyler Blakey of Raymond. “I never thought it would happen, and it didn’t last long, but for a couple of seconds for once in my life she finally shut up.”

Fortunately The LA Hustle’s best photographer was on the job and able to capture the unprecedented event just moments before Mrs. Blakey rebooted and then recounted the time her sister added too much mayonnaise to the potato salad.njb

"out of date cold medicine" by Noah Jon Blakey, 2011

The LA Hustle has learned that a convenience store in Louisianna was besieged on Monday by enthusiastic patrons looking to cash in on discounted ’out of date’ packaged cold medicines.

“I believe in better chemistry through living!” said Billy Bob Nobhobbler of Hammond, owner of The Warehouse Discount Grocery and a self proclaimed ‘part-time alchemist’. “Making basic ingredients available to the amateur chemists in our community is my way of giving back to a populace traditionally ignored by law abiding citizens”

Fortunately The LA Hustle’s best photographer was on the job and able to grab a quick picture of the sale just moments before the humble establishment was overrun by uniformly slim and haggard looking customers, eager to get back to their trailers and on with their research.

In what has become a story that gripped the nation, an Australian Cattle Dog from Mississippi today returned a ball that had been missing for 9 years!

"Nala" by Noah Jon Blakey, 2011

Nala, “The world’s greatest slimy tennis ball fetcher,” took off after her favorite possession when a family member carelessly tossed it into The Mississippi River back in 2002. ”In she went!” say’s Rob Wrinkleman, Nala’s owner and an avid drinker, “I didn’t think she’d ever find that darn thing…”

Apparently the determined K9′s pursuit led her on a journey through The Sahara and Patagonia Wilderness ending with the balls final retrieval in of all places a pet toy manufacturing sweatshop outside of Shanghai.

Fortunately The LA Hustle’s best photographer was on the job and able to grab a quick photo just moments before the exhausted animal’s owner provided a treat, rubbed her belly and chucked the ball onto a moving truck headed for New Orleans.

"men playing music" by Noah Jon Blakey, 2011

On Sunday The LA Hustle learned that heavy metal music has officially been reduced to a bunch of old guys trying to remember: “How did that song go again?”

“Back in the 70′s I was huge in Japan,” says Henry Hobbler, better known as Corn Hole Hank, the one time drummer for such bands as Styx, Triumph and Purple Thermus. “Now I just jam with some guys down at the Sunday Farmer’s Market and rock out on my Jew’s harp.”

Fortunately The LA Hustle’s best photographer was on the job and able to capture a quick photograph only moments before Tad “The Tambourine Man” Swanson’s hearing aid exploded in  what many are now calling “a freak banjo accident.” Although no one was critically injured, the metal heads were forced to consume their Ensure early and close out the show with an A capella rendition of Frankenstien.

"A man in a mirror" by Noah Jon Blakey,2010

On Saturday The LA Hustle learned that a man from Los Angeles opted to have his umbilicus surgically removed from his body and then placed onto the bathroom mirror!

“I got tired of everybody calling me a navel gazer!”, says Phil Packer of Silver Lake, a time management expert and consultant to the rich and fat, “So I thought ‘why not kill two birds with one stone’?”

(Bird #1) “I love looking in the mirror.”

(Bird #2) “I believe ‘inner work’ is so important.”

(Stone#1) “Now I can check out my teeth and reexamine my parents divorce all at the same time!”

Fortunately The LA Hustle’s best photographer was on the job and able to grab a quick shot of Packer right before, “he realized that he had a new wrinkle on his forehead and would be calling his analyst, plastic surgeon and mirror hanger first thing in the morning!”

"A chair and chainsaw" by Noah Jon Blakey, 2010

The LA Hustle has learned that a retired man from rural Mississippi suddenly exited his LazyBoy on Thursday leaving behind his trustee Husqvarna for no apparent reason!

Archie D. Bunker of Floyd MS, known by his community as “That Weird Chainsaw Guy”, is a self confirmed paranoid recluse who refuses to go anywhere without his intimidating orange sidekick which he affectionately refers to as “Verna”.

“I ain’t never seen him without it,” says Miles Blitzen Hoda of Humphrey’s County, a fellow volunteer fire fighter and neighbor of Mr.Bunker. “Back in 2004 he took Verna to his daughter’s wedding and done chased off the groom!”

Fortunately The LA Hustle’s best photographer was on the job and able to grab a quick shot of the rarely vacant chair and lonely tool just moments before Mr. Bunker returned from his basement with a tube of Grease Gun, bottle of Ezra Brooks and this weeks edition of TV Guide.

"Ladies drinking coffee" by Noah Jon Blakey, 2010

In a shocking discovery Tuesday The LA Hustle learned that two sisters from Mississippi consumed coffee after dining at a local Jackson cafeteria!

“We were on the way home from Brother’s house in Edwards and decided to pull off the road for dinner,” said Katie Mae Nichols of Newton. “We always enjoy the coffee at Piccadilly… I even had a bite of my sisters Chess Pie!”

Fortunately The LA hustle’s best photographer was on the job and able to capture the exciting event just moments before Peggy Nichols excused herself and made a quick dash for the ladies room.

"Elf Worker" by Noah Jon Blakey, 2010

In an unexpected raid yesterday the Jackson Police Dept, along with other state and local authorities, discovered that Waffle House has been secretly exploiting the eternally jolly attitudes and enthusiastic labor of undocumented elf workers.

“I had no idea they were elves!” says Barney Knuckles the night manager and first to be arrested in what is now known as “Operation Keebler Crunch”. “All I can say is that those damn Dwarves I fired last year couldn’t reach the plates and were surly with customers. That’s when I hired this new crew and they were doing just fine until The Feds showed up!”

Fortunately The LA Hustle’s best photographer was on the job and able to get off a quick snap before Santa’s Helpers abruptly vanished into thin air leaving only a poof of smoke and note that read: “Sorry we had to go. Boss needs us. Merry Christmas!”