The LA Hustle

Traditional marriage advocates have been dealt yet another blow as more East Coaster’s are opting to marry themselves.

The LA Hustle started tracking this startling trend in the fall of 2009 via The New York Times Sunday “Weddings and Celebrations” section.

“We see the coupling of mammalia throughout the animal kingdom.” Says Dr. Frank Phister, a socio-anthropologist for The Rand Corporation, “However this rise in auto marriage demonstrates that there’s more than one way to skin a cat!”

“I like me so much I thought;  why not marry me?” says Bud Genopolis of DUMBO. ”With all the failed marriages out there I felt like marrying me would definitely increase my probability for success with myself.”

"A House Surrounded by Pines" by Noah Jon Blakey,2009

A charming Hamlet in rural Mississippi has decided to join the rest of the world by clear cutting every living tree, shrub and flower within reach.

“Trees are dirty and they might fall on me!” Said Brother Fergusson, a local lawn mower repairman, when asked why he had demolished all visible signs of plant life on his property. “I don’t wanna get sued and I need the space to park my cars that don’t run to good!”

Although there is a silent majority who seek to preserve this unusually pristine village, rarely do they object to the relentless buzz of chainsaws for concerns of offending their machete wielding neighbors. “They put up a giant metal building right next to the property line.” Says Lacey Nichols as she points out the juxtaposition of her fauna covered land to the adjoining barren church parking lot. “We had hoped that the Baptists would use a bit more finesse, but we didn’t say anything…”

The LA Hustle has learned that a vast majority of Fortune 500 companies are at least 51% owned and controlled by a jolly old time barrelhouser from Missoula, MT.

"Always Smiling Sloppy Joe on the Ivories" by Noah Jon Blakey,2010

Mitch “Sloppy Joe Fats” MacLane started building his outrageous fortune in the late 1800’s after purchasing “Gonif The Great’s Fountain of Youth Elixir” from a traveling huckster and then investing all of his bar tips in Blue Chip stocks over the next one hundred plus years.

“I’m in this for the long haul” said MacLane in between sets at The Lewis and Clark Brothel and Grill. “Most of my fiduciary know how comes from “The Late Great” Scott Joplin who wrote a little known Ragtime classic entitled, ‘Maple Leaf Guide to Big Returns via Long Term Investments in b flat’.”

When asked about his youthful appearance MacLane would not comment on any particulars. He did however acknowledge that “Hanging out with card sharks, floozies and bar keepers for over a century has kept me young at heart!”

Following in the footsteps of  Republicans on Tuesday Vietnamese officials announced that: “Transportation should regulate itself!” Rejecting the formation of a government  agency that would provide safety guidelines for motorists.

“Let’s keep big government off of our streets!” Proclaimed Ho Chi Min at the 1967 South Asian Bench Pressing Championships,  just before setting his still unbeaten record for the 105 pound weight class, “Shoes and seat belts should be choices and not the tools of enslavement!” That sentiment is alive and well today here in Saigon where it is legal to transport dangerous materials such as glass and chemicals while riding barefoot on the back of a moped (see photo).

“We take our freedoms very seriously!” Says a local messenger and father of twelve. “If I want to deliver a large sharp object on my scooter while drunk with my wife and children onboard then that is between me, my family, and the other victims… The state should just stay out of it!”

"Safety Enforcement Team" by Noah Jon Blakey, 2010

A married couple have officially spent more hours doing absolutely nothing than heretofore documented. Dr. and Mrs. Durward Blakey of Raymond Mississippi have continuously participated in meaningless activities for an unbelievable 27 years.

Confined by choice to their upstairs den, Dr. Blakey passes most of the time by working on his needlepoint while Rosemary reads books from the local library. “She can plow thru 5 or 6 per week,” says Dr. Blakey. “I can’t haul them in fast enough!”

When asked how they do it Mrs. Blakey explains, “Well honey, Durward gets up before me and feeds the cats. Then he makes my breakfast and brings it up to me. By that time it’s noon and I haven’t even had my bath!”

Fascinating!!

"Roro and Pa Blakey Enjoying Their Den" by Noah Jon Blakey, 2010

I stumbled upon this beauty outside of a Piggly Wiggly. As far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t get any better than this sterling example of craftsmanship, design, and sheer peacocking power. Notice that the owner is equally impressive, since an essential aspect of operating such a magnificent vehicle is being able to “pull it off.”

In order to qualify as a bonafide hooptie there are three primary criteria:

1. The frame must be an American 4 Door sedan from between 1970 and 1990.

2. Oversized rims accompanied by large wide low profile tires are mandatory.

3. A custom paint job (not necessarily complete) preferably in a striking color.

"Picayune Hooptee" by Noah Jon Blakey, 2010

The Natchez Trace is one of the most bucolic and pristine scenic drives in North America. I recently had the privilege of driving home at sundown on The Trace with my father Ken Blakey and we were compelled to pull over several times to grab a few photos. “The Trace” is part of The United States National Register of Historic Places and is federally protected from the pitfalls that impinge on traditional American roads. There are no billboards or advertisements and the parkway is immaculately kept by a special commission. There is only one exit/onramp every five miles or so making it a completely unique driving experience for all.

"Winter on The Natchez Trace" by Noah Jon Blakey, 2009

Attention all five string banjo fans! Saturday night I heard one of the better acoustic bands north of  The Mason Dixon! “The Dust Bowl Cavaliers” were fast, fun and they made a good party in HP (Hancock Park CA) great! I particularly admired their talent for converting  The Ramones‘ “I Wanna Be Sedated“, into a knee slapping, foot stomping hootenanny.